By Rachel Wilkie
Hebrews 3:13 – “Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called ‘today’, so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”
What a happy verse, right? We like scriptures that speak to encouragement. We all need encouragement. However, I see this verse as quite sobering and a call to action. It is a clear warning that each and every individual brother and sister in Christ is susceptible to being hardened – deadened – by the deceptiveness of sin. That means me. That means you.
With that in mind, I’d like to draw your attention to a set of Christian brothers and sisters who are particularly in need of your encouragement: ‘singles’ (unmarried Christians). To speak candidly as one belonging to this labeled group, I have found the majority of the time I not only fail to find encouragement in this stage of life but I actually feel discouraged by my fellow Christians. What does this discouragement look like? Below, I’d like to share it with you in hopes of inspiring a more intentional encouragement of each other in the Lord’s church.
The honest truth is that a lot of ‘singles’ and I are content with our situations and aren’t rushing to get married. We recognize the blessing marriage can be, yet we are experiencing the blessing being unmarried can also be. Even so, no matter how much of the world we try to keep out, we are still confronted with a barrage of worldliness and influences that quickly drown out the few directly positive influences of the church. It can be an even heavier weight to bear for those who are struggling with consistent contentment. We ‘singles’ are fighting an uphill battle to keep our hearts and minds focused on God’s promises, God’s view of love, and God’s will for us since we bear these universal burdens without the companionship, love, and support of a mate.
As we all know, Satan has cleverly and intentionally shaped the world to make sin look desirable. Hypersexualized music, television, comedy, books, social media, and advertisements make living a pure life difficult in many ways since it can begin to feel abnormal, pointless, or impossible. Couples living together before marriage, couples having children before marriage, infidelity within marriage, misery within marriage, and the dissolving of many marriages are all examples that create disillusionment about the God-ordained, God-glorifying institution. This disillusionment can range from not wanting marriage at all, to not expecting a good or lasting marriage, to not seeing the benefits of staying pure before marriage.
Also, the world idealizes romance at just about every turn which sets up unrealistic expectations on one hand and creates a feeling of isolation on the other hand. The world makes it feel as if romantic relationships (i.e. being loved) are what validates a person; it is what life is worth living for. (And for all the circulating promiscuity and homosexuality and gender confusion in our culture, one might mistake that for the laying aside of meaningful relationships. However, I suggest these are just extensive, perverted attempts to feel loved.) When the church mimics these worldly, anti-biblical viewpoints, it becomes very discouraging. It adds difficulty I know none of us in this stage of life wish existed.
What is not needed
As with any person who you cannot personally relate to, please do not assume you understand what they feel or what their life experiences are. Please do not make comments that confirm any of the world’s ideas of singlehood, love, relationships, or fulfillment as mentioned above. This would include not asking if a ‘single’ brother or sister is dating/courting anyone yet, not even asking them if they have their eye on anybody, and not asking if they are interested in getting married/planning on staying ‘single’ forever. Please do not think that teasing is harmless. It is actually quite unnecessary if it involves their relationship status. The accumulation of teasing from several different people over days and weeks and months really is like a dripping faucet that can wear a person down.
Though many ‘singles’ are content in their unmarried lives, it is never enjoyable to feel the need to give an accounting of one’s lives to others for their benefit. It certainly does not benefit the unmarried person to be asked or teased about his/her choices. Please do not treat a ‘single’ person as if their life and schedules are less important or binding than someone who has a family. It can feel invalidating when fellow Christians assume a ‘single’ person is free and willing to be available to help with every church function or to fill every need that comes their way. Please do not leave them out of fellowship opportunities just because they do not have a significant other to ‘round out’ the group. Please do not assume that being faithful to God including coming to worship services is always easy.
Each grouping (by age or relationship status) of Christians may feel neglected at times. Ways that this particular group can feel overlooked come about when those who get engaged, enter into marriage, have children, have grandchildren, or graduate are given a lot of support and consideration while those without their own families aren’t ever regarded as needing support. My suggestion would be to not wait for a visible life-change or special occasion to dictate when you invest time in or encourage a fellow Christian keeping in mind as well that ‘singles’ aren’t the only ones who are without visible needs.
What is needed
A very clear distinction between the deceitfulness of the world and its enticements to sin and the holiness and purity of the word of God and His church is desperately needed for those who are following God on their own day-to-day (Romans 6:22, Romans 12:1, II Corinthians 7:1, Philippians 2:14-16, I Thessalonians 4:3-5, II Timothy 1:19, II Timothy 2:22). An example of joy in a life of faithfulness is encouraging. An example of purposefulness and fulfillment within marriage is encouraging. Discuss and enjoy healthy, pure t.v. shows, movies, music, and books together. Discuss with one another what truths from your personal studies of the Bible you’ve learned. Interactions that draw the focus to our collective journeying together towards heaven and not focusing on our differences in lifestyles at the moment are encouraging (Romans 15:5, I Thessalonians 5:11).
I have intentionally set apart with quotations the word single in this article because I do not even like the term since it is segregating as well as implying that we are ‘lone wolves’. In the Lord’s church, we should help all Christians feel a genuine sense of togetherness. If you want to get a little more personal, making a point of asking an unmarried fellow Christian if they need any prayers lets them know they are not overlooked (Psalm 119:9). For however long a Christian remains in an unmarried state, they are loved by God, not neglected by God, and they need to be reminded of it, as does the rest of the church.
If the love of Christ is felt strongly in our church families, I truly believe the isolation that Satan wants us to feel as we pursue purity and faithfulness can be eradicated (I Thessalonians 3:12-13). The love of Christ is always inspiring, fulfilling, satisfying, and motivating to everyone who experiences it, and it is the Lord’s intention that His love be shown by His people to each person (John 13:34-35, Romans 12:10, I Peter 1:22, I Peter 4:8, I John 3:23, I John 4:7-21).
The times are dark and souls are at grave risk of being deadened, so we must all help each other to keep our focus and to dwell on the joyful blessings of walking with a faithful God (Hebrews 10:23-25). Let us intentionally encourage, intentionally hold back from discouraging, and intentionally love. Our fellow Christian brothers and sisters depend on it more than we might realize.
