By Cindy Colley
In a way, it seems a bit superfluous to instruct about caring for parents along with your siblings, because everyone gets an instant tutorial when it’s time to do it and, in loving families, there is no shortage of time and attention for the aging parent. Still, there’s a lot you learn along the way and there are a few things that might make the elder-care years a little easier if you are blessed with the privilege of attending your parents during their declining years.
 
First, consider yourself extremely rich if there’s more than one of you to share the responsibility. Words can’t describe the comfort of making a decision about a health care facility, a surgery, or a side-effect laden medication when you know you have the consensus of siblings rather than constantly second-guessing an important, even life-changing, decision you made all alone. Secondly, you will automatically get in the habit of praying for each other and for the families of your siblings. You become very close and the feelings you had when you were children and you stuck together on the playground surface all over again. It’s all for one and one for all and the “one” is the parent to whom you all owe so much. You become fiercely loyal to each other IF you are loving Christians sharing this tremendous blessing of parental care.
 
It occurs to me that there are some families, though, in which one or some of the siblings are not faithful and dedicated to the family cause. In cases such as this, my advice would be to drastically reduce your expectations of such brothers and sisters. “Why?” you say…”Why would I not expect them to do their fair share?…They were just as blessed as was I by these parents!” While that is theoretically true, adults cannot make other adults shoulder responsibility. If the memories of parental love and sacrifice do not move an adult child to an extreme sense of responsibility and loyalty, I doubt that your prodding can mold a conscience at this late hour. Besides, the sadness a parent experiences at seeing two of her children at odds about her care must be excruciating and should be avoided at all cost. If you find yourself in this situation, just be grateful for whatever help you may receive from the more unconcerned sibling without counting on it routinely. If your parent can one day pass from this life without having seen her family disintegrate, your peace will be all the more full as you lay her to rest.
 
For those who are on the same page about care, though, there are some things I’ve observed and learned from my own experience that can be helpful in making it work and keeping Dad or Mom as happy and comfortable as possible.
 

  1. If you are the one who is notified in an emergency situation, make sure you let all the siblings know as quickly as you can do so without risking life or limb of the parent. Never start the sentence with “Dad is in the ER,” if you think Dad is going to be okay. Start the sentence with “Dad is going to be okay, but…”
  2. Have all the siblings participate in big decisions like choosing a rehab center or an elective surgery or where to store valuable possessions during a time when the house may be empty. But then don’t be afraid to go ahead and make a decision if one is needed and others are looking to you.
  3. This will probably happen naturally, but make sure there is someone responsible to coordinate the family effort. What is everybody’s business is nobody’s business.
  4. When possible, make a schedule for care, so that siblings take turns being “in charge” of parental care. Keep a calendar in the parent’s room or home so that if questions arise about who’s “on-call” there will be a standard to consult. After so many hours, every care-giver just must go home and sleep for a while. Knowing that someone is coming to take over is a real blessing. Be sure and be flexible in this schedule, though, covering for each other and considering the needs of each other as such needs arise.
  5. Facebook is a wonderful tool if all the siblings are computer-savvy. You can there have an ongoing dialogue with all of the siblings in private messaging about doctor appointments, keeping each other apprised of progress. You can include all the things that everyone needs to know including scheduling, parental preferences/restrictions about diet, medication changes and jobs that need doing.
  6. Be patient with each other. The child who cried a lot when you were growing up is still going to cry a lot. The bossy one is still going to boss. The one who was stubborn is still going to be stubborn. So love each other and realize that all of the strengths and different personalities combine for better care.
  7. Be responsible and prompt to fulfill your obligations. If you say you will be there for your mother Friday by three o’clock, break your neck to be there. Your sibling may be depending on your being there because someone else is depending on him getting back home.
  8. Try not to let family traditions go by the wayside. I know that sometimes this is a hard one. When everyone’s been at Mom’s house for weeks on end, it may be difficult to “want” to go back there for Thanksgiving. Things may be different now that she is bed-ridden or cannot speak. But, when possible, it’s healing for the family to continue to carry on as a family. When parents are cognizant, it is almost always a comforting time for them to be with all the family during times of celebration. Remember it’s hard for parents to know that their children have reduced their visits to times when they must be there as a matter of responsibility. Parents want their children to come “home” because they love being there.
  9. In situations where nursing home care is required, be sure to keep the care schedule in place. Although you may not have to be there 24/7 as you might need to be if the parent were at home, it’s important that you still be overseeing the care of your father or mother. So many times, even in the best of situations, the quality of the care at the nursing home is very dependent on whether or not the workers are held to a standard of accountability by the family. Besides, we have all seen patients whose family members stop by once a week for an hour on the way to the golf course and that scenario is neither acceptable to God nor conducive to the well-being of the parent.
  10. Follow the Golden Rule. That’s the summation of all of our care for each other in every situation in life. The trick, in caring for parents– while caring for husband and kids– while considering siblings, is figuring out to whom the rule applies first. “Does the Golden Rule prompt me to stay here with dad while my son plays that tournament game or does it tell me to go to the game?”… “Does the Golden Rule motivate me to take over for my sister when her kids are sick or travel to my daughter’s home when she has her baby?” Sometimes it’s very tricky. Pray. Pray a LOT! And always think about how you will feel on the day when you look into that sweet face in the casket. You want to know you did your best. And that is all any of us can do!