He couldn’t have been much more than 12 years old.

As I hurriedly rounded the grocery store aisle, my unobstructed line of sight gave me a view of the publication open in his hand: a page of bikini models. I kept moving and assume he kept looking. Several times since, I’ve thought about that incident. Although I said nothing to him (he was a stranger), I wish I would have told him how potentially dangerous his actions were…how the consequences are lifelong…how his future happiness would be destroyed. What he was doing at that very moment was the first step down a long and sad road of addiction to pornography.

I WISH I HAD TOLD HIM HE WOULD BECOME CHEMICALLY DEPENDENT.

It was something he would all too soon understand. He would find himself going back there, though he would tell himself he wouldn’t. But it would happen again and again. He would “… enjoy the passing pleasures” (Hebrews 11:25) of those pictures. But immediately would come sin’s aftertaste—guilt, shame, and brokenness. He would seek healing for his feelings, but the shame, stigma, and fear of what others would think would deceptively lead him back to the same place for healing.

Few people plunge into the well of sexually deviant behavior from the top. But, through the vehicle of pornography, they draw it to the surface bucket by bucket. Every time they taste the forbidden water, they want it again. They returned to the well with bucket in hand. How can a person become chemically dependent when no chemicals are present? Addicts often tell of a “rush” triggered by the thought of acting out. What’s happening? According to Dr. Doug Weiss of Heart to Heart Counseling Center, “The biological addict is someone who has conditioned the body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to the brain.”

According to researcher Patrick Carnes in Don’t Call it Love: “One of the most destructive parts of sex addiction is that you literally carry your own source of supply” (30). Mark Laasar, author of Faithful and True, says there are three building blocks of pornography addiction: sexual fantasy, pornography, and masturbation. “The three…work together. Fantasy is created by a need to satisfy deep longings. Pornography displays images of how to do that. Masturbation is the physical expression of perhaps the only touching or nurturing that the addict receives. The three of them are involved in a cycle. Pornography stimulates fantasy. Fantasy needs to be expressed. Masturbation allows a ‘release’ of that need.” Laaser notes the major problem with this cycle: “While it may satisfy the physical need for sex, it never satisfies the emotional and spiritual hunger that rests deep in the soul” (29).

I WISH I HAD TOLD HIM ABOUT THE LIFE OF LIES.

I doubt the 12-year-old boy went home and told his parents about the magazine. I doubt he told his friends. He wouldn’t tell his preacher or Bible school teacher. In three to four years, he’ll be taking a girl on a date. He likely won’t mention it to her. But all this time, it would gnaw at him. And there is one person he would flat-out lie to about all of it––himself! With addiction, Satan’s victim is locked in when he says he doesn’t have a problem. He can say this in   myriad of ways. He can say, “I’m going to do this one last time,” “This doesn’t affect me the way it does an addict,” or “I don’t really have a problem, and I can stop whenever I want.” Saying any of these things is spelling out “denial.”

The truth is, that which he seeks to control is controlling him. Romans 6:12 states, “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.” The addict is governed by this dictator. Romans 6:16, 21 describes it: “Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one’s slaves whom you obey? …What fruit did you have then in the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death.”

End-of-life reflections by noted serial killers Gary Bishop and Ted Bundy only reinforce this. Bishop wrote in a letter after his conviction: “Pornography was a determining factor in my downfall …. Finding and procuring sexually arousing materials became an obsession…. My conscience was desensitized, and my sexual appetite entirely controlled my actions” (Cline 9). It sounds a lot like 2 Peter 2:14. This passage describes the evil conduct of false teachers, but its relevance to the present discussion cannot be overstated:“… Having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin.” The Revised Standard and English Standard have this identical translation: “They have eyes full of adultery, insatiable for sin.”

In an interview just hours before his execution, Bundy said he had been exposed to escalating levels of pornography since an early age. He stated, “You are going to kill me, and that will protect society from me. But out there are many, many more people who are addicted to pornography, and you are doing nothing about that” (Cline 9).

Do you think Bishop and Bundy lived a life of lies? Do you think at some early point they told themselves they could handle this by themselves, and perhaps that it wasn’t hurting anyone? Let it be stated emphatically that every child or teenager exposed to pornography will not become these men. However, one does not have to be a serial killer, or even a felon, to have a life filled with unrelenting misery.

I WISH I HAD TOLD HIM THAT IT WOULD WOUND THE ONES HE LOVES.

God created a beautiful gift of sexuality for a married couple, but the blades of pornography addiction rip the fibers of that gift. The spouse of a pornography addict wonders why she can’t satisfy his appetite. (It’s because the appetite is out of control.) The partner is not part of the fantasy world that has engulfed her spouse, and so she feels isolated. Because the sin is secret, the spouse feels betrayed of the trust she has put into her marriage. Trust is an imperative component in a successful relationship.

Because the addict cannot cope with his struggle in a healthy way, the tumultuous internal storms begin to surface in outward rage with some. “Out-of-control behavior becomes the norm” (Carnes 29). I wanted to tell this 12-year-old boy that his beautiful wife’s tears would one day stream down a map of broken dreams, and that they would need to seek professional help to salvage their God-given union.

I WISH I HAD TOLD HIM THAT SECRECY WOULD FUEL THE FIRE.

This is key. If there is one thing that should be communicated to every person struggling with pornography, it is this––tell it. You don’t have to announce it; it doesn’t have to be (and probably shouldn’t be) public, but in order to find real healing, it must be told. As long as the enslaved keeps his secret to himself, no matter how determined he is to stop, he will “return to his own vomit … to … wallowing in the mire” (2 Peter 2:22).

On the beautiful flipside, if an addict is continuously communicating openly and specifically with another about temptations, weaknesses, and struggles, it’s a daily vaccine for protection from the enemy. It is so Biblical. “Confess your trespasses to one another” (James 5:16). God gave an accountability directive before man ever thought of it.

I WISH I HAD TOLD HIM THERE’S A WAY OUT.

Christ’s blood was shed for this little boy and millions of others. It is a blood so powerful that it takes care of not only the “respectable” sins, but also the “unthinkable” ones. He died for us “while we were still sinners” (Romans 5:8). Those who think there is no lasting help for the pornography addict have little respect or understanding of Christ and His great sacrifice. “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25).

I wish I had told him.

By Scotty Sparks

This article first appeared in Think magazine. For more info, or to subscribe, click here.