This is a follow up to yesterday’s article, 4 Wrong Ways to Handle Conflict.
Though we don’t think about it much these days, October 1962 was one of the most important times in the history of the world. Directly at the height of the Cold War, relations between the US and the Soviet Union were incredibly strained, never directly at war but never more than a call or two away from it, either. In response to some actions the US had taken, including placing missiles in Turkey, the Soviets began placing missiles in Cuba, bringing the possibility of war within 100 miles of the US coast in Florida. Rather than sending more passive aggressive messages, refusing to talk to each other, or starting all out war, President Kennedy and Soviet leader Khrushchev entered into negotiations, reaching a compromise that took the immediate threats away from both nations and established the famed “red telephone” line of communication between Washington and the Kremlin.
Despite the heated rivalry between the two countries, despite their obvious differences of opinion on just about every aspect of world politics, and despite the present conflict they had created, officials on both sides realized there was simply too much at stake to not have open lines of communication. The world had never been so close to nuclear warfare, and likely has never been that close since, and the difference came down to a willingness to talk.
While we don’t exactly have nuclear warfare at stake in our conflicts at others, things like the unity of the church, the effectiveness of our outreach, and the souls of those with whom we quarrel are at stake, and we shouldn’t take those things any less lightly. We have to realize, as the Soviets and the US did, there comes a certain point where childishly sending messages has to stop, and true communication is the only answer. We have to realize it’s not about expressing our frustration, it’s not about letting other people feel our disapproval, it’s about keeping peace with all (Romans 12:18) and finding a resolution through Christ’s love. Here are four proper ways we can handle conflict to keep peace and show His love.
Apologize. We all know how rare it is for conflict to only have one side, and even if we maintain that we were right all along, we can often admit that we could have handled things in a better way. In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus tells us that we shouldn’t even come before God in worship if we’ve offended someone else, but we should first make it right and then return to come before God. 1 John repeatedly makes it clear that we can’t have a relationship with God if we aren’t treating others right. And, of course, Matthew 7:3-5 reminds us that before we start in on the sins of others, we need to make sure we aren’t being hypocritical. Sure, this step can often mean swallowing a lot of pride, but if we really want to follow Romans 12:18 (“as far as it depends on you…”), we’ll humble ourselves and start the relationship back on the right path.
Confront the sin. Once we’ve addressed our own sins, that doesn’t always mean the other person is ready to admit theirs. They might just keep on doing it. Matthew 18:15 tells us that if we feel the other person has sinned, we should go to them in private first. It’s not about embarrassing the other person or gaining some arbitrary upper hand, it’s about making it right, and the best way to do it is to sit down with the person and let them know what you feel they’ve done to you. The context directly before and after the instructions for confrontation are about helping others find forgiveness and restoration, and we should always have those goals in mind when we confront others about sin.
Ignore the offense. The great thing about God’s plan for having us work out offenses in person is that it’s difficult, so we really have to evaluate if it’s worth it. When we gossip or hold in anger or take one of the wrong approaches, we don’t have to give any consideration except what we want. When we follow God’s plan, we realize that we can either seek to work it out with the person, or we can let it go. That’s it. Since working it out is difficult, most of those offenses that get us so worked up suddenly don’t seem like that big of a deal. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.” The mark of a mature Christian is one who isn’t looking to get offended by every little thing.
Give the benefit of the doubt. 1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that love believes all things, which is generally interpreted to mean that if we love others, we’ll believe the best about them rather than the worst. Selfish people always excuse their own faults and focus on the sins of others. Loving Christians look to excuse the faults of others and always take responsibility for their own. I don’t mean this to say that if someone is in sin we should let them continue in it, but we should give people the benefit of the doubt when they say something that upsets us or do something we perceive might be a slight against us. Continued patterns of behavior shouldn’t be ignored, either, but phrases like “Maybe he’s having a bad day,” “I know she’s got a lot on her plate right now,” “I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that” should regularly be in our thoughts for the occasional offense.
When you read the New Testament, you start to notice just how much of it is dedicated to unity and the loving relationship we should have with our Christian family along with how we should treat others to show them the love of Christ. If we handle conflict God’s way and show that we’re not looking out for ourselves but instead are using relationships to His glory, the conflicts in marriage, the workplace, and the church will all suddenly take on a whole new feeling, one marked by love and not by selfishness. We’re not necessarily preventing nuclear war, but we may be winning a soul from eternal punishment to eternal life.
By Jack Wilkie
Jack Wilkie is the author of “Failure: What Christian Parents Need to Know About American Education” and is the speaker for Focus Press’s “The Lost Generation” seminar. To schedule a seminar at your church or for more info, contact jack@tampaseo.expert.